To my angel, Shane Michael Jeffery:

I still remember the first time I saw you. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was my first doctor’s appointment after I had found out I was pregnant with you. I didn’t even know it, but my doctor was going to do my first ultrasound that day, and I was going to see you for the first time. I was only 6 weeks pregnant, but I knew the minute I looked at you that you were a boy. I remember the first thing that popped into my head – “my little man” – and I remember saying it out loud and it brought tears to my eyes right there in the doctor’s office! And your mommy is not one to cry in public! But I couldn’t help it – I was so happy to see you.

Your daddy and I, and your big brother Miles went to dinner that night. Right away, we started talking about baby names, and it didn’t take too long to pick your name. That was surprising, because your daddy is usually pretty picky with the naming part! We did pick a girl’s name – it was going to be Samantha Marie Jeffery. But I still “just knew” it was going to be Shane Michael Jeffery!

Going through the next few months of being pregnant with you, I had my suspicions about whether I was right, because I did go through a bit of morning sickness, and some of my family and friends had me convinced that it might just be a girl in there. But I really think that deep down in my heart, I still “just knew” that you were a boy. I had an ultrasound when I was 18 weeks pregnant with you, but you were shy! And then, just by chance, when I was 22 weeks pregnant, it was confirmed - you were definitely a boy! (Mommy has special privileges working in a hospital!)

I remember how it felt to drive to and from work, and sing to you all the time in my car. Your daddy is also kind of picky about his music, and I loved being able to put on all the songs that daddy didn’t want to hear but that mommy loved singing to you! I always wanted you to know my voice, and hear how much I always loved you from the very start of your life. I remember how it felt to be pregnant with you, and just feel all the love I had for you flowing through my body, hoping that you felt it too.

I had made it to 28 weeks pregnant, and I had to have another ultrasound done – the 4^th one - because in the one before that at 18 weeks, they told me you were in a weird position and they couldn’t get good pictures of your kidneys. I never once thought that anything could be wrong, the whole time I was pregnant with you. I do remember feeling you move less than your big brother Miles did when mommy was pregnant with him, but you must know that your big brother is a wild little man, and I always just thought that you were going to be my calm, sweet little boy.

After they were done doing my ultrasound, they told me the same thing – I had to come back in a few weeks for another ultrasound because they still couldn’t get any good pictures of your kidneys. They also said that there was a lot of fluid around you, more than there should be. It wasn’t until then that mommy started to get worried. Your mommy is a nurse, so that means that she knows that having a lot of fluid could be a sign of something being wrong with my baby. Your daddy is very good at calming mommy down, and he did just that when I got home. He told me not to worry, that our little man would be just fine.

Mommy had to go back to the hospital to see a different doctor for the next ultrasound when I was 32 weeks pregnant with you. Your big brother Miles was with mommy and daddy for the last 2 ultrasounds, but like I said before, he is a wild man and he’s not very good at sitting while the people are doing the ultrasounds! So this time, daddy stayed home with Miles. Unfortunately, mommy found out some very bad news that day.

They told me that some parts of your body had not developed the way that they should have. Your little spine had only grown halfway down, which meant that your legs could not move and that made them smaller than they should have been. That is why mommy could not feel you moving around a whole lot. They also said that you only had one kidney that was working, and the other kidney was very small and did not have any blood flowing to it. The doctor said that he wanted mommy to come to another hospital the next day, and have another ultrasound done by another doctor to make sure of all the things he had seen. Mommy still didn’t know what all of these things meant for you. I was very scared, I was very sad, and I almost couldn’t even think straight. All I knew was that you had something wrong with you, and I felt very guilty. I called your daddy to tell him, and your daddy talked to me as I drove home so that I would be okay and make it home safe.

The next day, your grandma and grandpa watched your big brother Miles, and mommy and daddy set off to the new hospital for the next ultrasound. After the new doctor was done taking pictures of you, she and the other doctor came in the room and told mommy and daddy what everything meant. They told us that because of all of the things that did not grow right in your body, you would not be able to survive once you were born. In that moment, your mommy and daddy’s whole lives had changed. All I could say was, “Okay”. Then mommy cried and cried, and daddy cried too. I was so confused, because I didn’t know that anything was wrong with you up until that moment, and I didn’t understand how this had happened. That day was very hard for us. Your grandma’s and grandpa’s were waiting to hear from us, because they knew what had been happening. We had to call them and tell them what we had just heard. We all cried together. It was a very sad day.

Mommy cried for you too, but at the same time, I was happy because you were still alive inside of me. I was your source of life. I felt so proud of that and I felt like I really was your mommy. I tried my hardest to be happy because of that, but I couldn’t help but be sad because I didn’t know if I would ever see you alive. (We weren’t sure if you would make it through delivery, or if you would pass away when mommy was in labor.)

Over the next couple of days, I made the decision to have my labor induced. I still struggle with this decision every single day, Shane. It wasn’t that I didn’t want you – I wanted you more than anything and I still do so much. But there were a lot of reasons that mommy couldn’t keep you inside of me.

Mommy’s job is taking care of sick babies, and mommy could not go back to work after hearing this bad news about you. It would make me very sad to take care of the babies at work knowing what I knew about my own baby. Because mommy couldn’t work, it was very hard for me to sit at home each day, because all I did was think about you and how every dream I had for you would never come true now. Even looking at your big brother Miles every day, I knew that you would never get to run around and play and laugh with him. Every single dream I had about you coming home and being a part of our family had been shattered in one day, in just that one minute.

Mommy found out soon that on November 7, 2007 at 7:00 AM, I would be going in to the hospital to have my labor started. It was another sad day for us. Mommy still wasn’t sure she was doing the right thing, but at the same time I wanted to see you so bad. I just needed the chance to see my baby boy and hold you and kiss you, and tell you how much I love you, and tell you goodbye. It was bittersweet.

I started having contractions around 9:00 AM on November 7. My labor lasted about 26 hours total, but mommy never felt any pain. The nurses were very good about keeping mommy pain-free! I had some visitors that day. Your grandma and grandpa Theres came. Your Uncle Bill, Aunt Genia, and your cousin Lucas came. I also had some people call to check on me – your grandma and grandpa Jeffery and your “Aunt” Jenny. Everyone was so caring and so concerned for us. You had so many people that loved you even before you were born! You would not even believe (although you probably know now) how many people were praying for you and for your mommy and daddy and Miles to stay strong through our difficult time of losing you!

You were born on November 8, 2007 at 12:17 PM. You weighed 3 pounds, 5 ounces, and you were 11 ½ inches long. You had already passed away before you were born to us. Mommy got very sad when I was pushing you out because when my doctor told me that you had already died, I didn’t know when you died, and it made me very sad to know that I didn’t say goodbye to you before you left us. So I said, “I love you buddy, where ever you are.” When you were born, your daddy was there, and mommy’s doctor, and mommy’s nurse, Maria were there too. Your daddy was very strong and kept your mommy very strong too. Your grandma and grandpa stayed right outside of our room with your big brother, Miles, and they came in after mommy and daddy had some time to hold you. Mommy and daddy also had a professional photographer waiting to come in and take pictures for us, so that we would always have something to see and remember you with.

When they all came in, your big brother sat on the bed with us, and we introduced you to him. He was still very young when you came into our lives, so he was a little confused about why everyone was so sad. But he always knew who you were and he always said your name and talked to you when you were alive in mommy’s belly, and he still sees pictures today and knows exactly who you are! Your grandma and grandpa also said hello to you and talked to you, and held your little hands.

You must know how proud mommy was to show off your little hands. When your brother Miles was born, I looked at his hands and knew that he definitely got them from his daddy! When you were born, and I saw your hands, there was no doubt that you had my hands. I still show everyone the pictures of your hands, and tell them how very proud I am of that beautiful little part of you!

Soon after everyone came in, we called the hospital chaplain to come in and baptize you. Everyone was there; even mommy’s doctor and nurse, and we all said a little prayer for you too. Your grandma and grandpa witnessed your baptism. The chaplain brought in your baptismal certificate, and I loved seeing your full name printed out on it. “Shane Michael Jeffery” – I remember how I felt when I saw your name on that piece of paper. It felt like you were “real”, you were here, and you were my son even though you weren’t alive anymore.

We held you for a little bit longer, and then mommy’s nurse took you and gave you a bath. Your daddy held your big brother, and they both watched as you got your bath. Then she dressed you in the outfit we had brought to the hospital. It was a little white onesie with a brown teddy bear by your heart, and a matching hat. She wrapped you up in a beautiful crocheted blanket that had been given to us by the hospital. We held you until about 3:30 PM, for about 3 hours, and then we said goodbye to you and gave you your last kisses and hugs, and gave you to the nurses.

Your daddy took two beautiful pictures of the last few minutes that mommy held you, and we used one of those pictures for your memorial cards. The picture is showing mommy holding you on my knees in front of me, with my forehead on your forehead. I remember that moment very well; I was trying to concentrate on what it felt like to hold you so that I would never ever forget holding my baby boy for the last time. We also have more than 100 very beautiful pictures that were taken by our photographer that day. She was wonderful! She gave us so many beautiful memories of you – truly priceless memories. I eventually put all of her pictures into a photo album. I look at them all the time and I love having them so much, because they are my only visual mementos of you.

Although that day was a very sad day in our lives, I remember feeling so much peace and serenity all around me after you were born. That was you, wasn’t it? You were with us, and God was with us, giving us all of the strength that so many people had prayed for us to have. I didn’t cry because I knew that your soul was at peace, and you were happy, and I felt your happiness and your peace. You were with me for so long in my womb, but after you were born, you stayed with me and made me feel more at peace than I can ever remember feeling in my entire life.

I didn’t cry until later that day. I remember looking down, and realizing for the first time that my belly was gone and you weren’t with me like you were before. I felt alone and empty. I cried so hard because I missed you so much. I can’t ever remember missing anything that much. One thought that gave me comfort when I was sad was knowing that you were up in heaven with your great grandma and great grandpa Jeffery, as well as your great grandpa Theres and your great aunt Eleanor and all of your other relatives! When I thought of all of them taking turns holding you, and smiling at you and talking to you and welcoming you to heaven, I felt better. I knew you were in good hands.

Mommy went home from the hospital that night. It felt very weird leaving without you. I had all of the things that hospital gave me to take home with me, like your blanket, a white teddy bear, your footprints, an imprint of your hand, and some other things, but I didn’t have you. I didn’t have my baby. I did hold that little white teddy bear and I also held your blanket and smelled it to remember you. Although it did help me, it just wasn’t the same.

For so long, I had dreamed of what the day that we went home from the hospital would be like. I dreamed of dressing you in your little navy blue “going home” outfit, and of what blanket I would bring to cover you with. I dreamed of holding you in my arms as they pushed me to the door in my wheelchair. I dreamed of seeing your daddy waiting for us in the car, and coming to help get you in your car seat. I dreamed of riding home in the backseat with you, watching you closely the whole ride home to make sure you were okay. I dreamed of those first few days with you, getting no sleep, but knowing that it was worth every minute because it was all for you.

That was the road I wanted (and still want) to be going down. But now, I’m going down a different road, without you. Ever since the very second you died, there has never been one single moment that I don’t wish I could go back in time and find a way to go down that other road. I still cannot understand why you couldn’t have been healthy and stayed with us. Now, the hardest part of grieving you is just knowing that I will never get the answer to that question. I will never live another day in my life without a big piece of my heart missing.

In those first few days, mommy’s tears came frequently. It seems like everything I saw or heard or did reminded me that you were gone. Daddy was always there, right by my side, holding my hand. He helped me so much. He told me things that comforted me. He helped me remember that you were still with us, we just couldn’t see you. Your big brother stayed with your grandma and grandpa for the first 2 days, and then he came home. I just didn’t want him to see me so sad for you. I didn’t want him to feel like I didn’t care about him or love him just as much as I always did. Little did he know, you helped me love him so much more.

In those first few days home, it helped mommy a lot to do things that had to do with you. The day after I came home from the hospital, your daddy and I stopped at the store to get memorial cards made for you. We used a beautiful quote that mommy remembered from her booklets from the hospital – “I held you in my hands, now I hold you in my heart.” We also went to the funeral home to pick the urn we wanted your ashes to be placed into, and to sign all the papers that they needed. The photographer also dropped off computer disks with all of the pictures she had taken on them, and she also gave us a slide show of your photos with two beautiful songs on them – “To Where You Are” by Josh Groban and “I Will Remember You” by Sarah McLachlan. I still listen to those songs (and many other songs) and think of you.

Your daddy stayed home from work all week with me, and the next week he only worked a few hours a day. Your grandma Jeffery arrived by plane from Florida on Tuesday, November 13, and all week she helped keep me busy by going Christmas shopping for your daddy and Miles, as well as helping me get things ready for your memorial service. Then on Friday your grandpa Jeffery and your Uncle Matt arrived also.

We held a memorial service for you at Grace Lutheran Church on Friday, November 16 at 6:00 PM. Your grandma Theres had some beautiful flower arrangements made for your service. We displayed your blanket, your urn, the teddy bear, the photo album with your pictures, your memorial cards, and a pamphlet about the place that took your photos. We asked that if our friends or family would like to donate to an organization in your memory, it would be to either this bereavement photography organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, or to the March of Dimes. A lot of people in our family, as well as church members who knew our family also donated to Grace Lutheran Church in your memory. I am still amazed and inspired by how many people’s lives you have touched despite that fact that you were only here for such a short time.

The weeks ahead were difficult. Your grandma and grandpa Jeffery and your Uncle Matt went back to Florida the Sunday after your memorial service. Your daddy went back to work the next day. It was very hard for mommy to be without him. I did have your big brother there with me to keep me smiling and laughing, but I had gotten so used to your daddy being there for me to talk to whenever I needed to. It was always hard for me to be sad in front of your big brother. I just never wanted him to think he was making me sad. I didn’t know if he really understood why mommy was sad, even though I did tell him it was because I missed you so much. I don’t think I give him the credit he deserves when I say that however – he is one smart cookie!

Even when we first found out that we wouldn’t be bringing you home with us, we started receiving cards and emails right away, and we are still getting cards in the mail to this day! Your mommy and daddy began to realize how many people out there in the world were praying for our family, and how many people truly cared about us, and at times it was quite overwhelming. Daddy’s coworkers donated over $1000 to us, and mommy’s coworkers donated money as well as extra vacation time so that mommy could be off work to grieve your loss for as long as she needed to. Mommy even had a work friend that would bring meals and gifts from the other people I work with at the hospital because she lived close by. We could not believe the outpouring of gratitude we were receiving from all around us. I remember thinking there would never be words to thank everyone enough!

Mommy had to go visit her doctor again 1 week after you were born, and when we went to the hospital to see her, we brought Dunkin Donuts and a thank you letter for both the nurses in the labor and delivery department as well as NICU (the department mommy works in). We were very happy to see that the labor and delivery nurses who took care of mommy were both working that day, and we were happy that they got to have a donut from us! We also brought your photo album with, and they looked at your photos. Dr. Jones also looked at your photos with us, and we gave her a memorial card to keep.

On November 19 at 6:00 PM, mommy and daddy went to talk to another doctor – Dr. London. She is a psychiatrist. We talked about you and told her your story, and we talked about how we are dealing with your loss. She helps us think of ways that we can remember you, and keep you a part of our family forever. I love talking about you; I never want to go another day in my life without talking about you. It helps mommy so much to talk about you. She is simply there to listen and give us help if we need it. She helps us to remember that each person is different, and grieves differently, and nothing is abnormal!

On Monday, December 3, mommy and daddy went to a small gathering at the hospital for parents who have lost a baby within the last year. We sat at a table with another couple who had lost their baby, and we each talked about our babies and shared our stories. We also lit a candle for each of our babies, and we took your candle home with us.

We saw Dr. London again on December 4. Mommy talked about going back to work with her. Mommy was a little bit nervous, because I take care of little babies at work. I was worried that it would make me think of you too much, and I didn’t want to be sad at work. Dr. London was nice enough to give me her phone number and her pager number, so that if I needed her anytime when I was at work she would be available for me. She even said that she would give me her office all to myself if I just needed some time alone! She is very nice!

I went back to work on Sunday, December 9. Mommy usually works 12 hour shifts, but my manager Jennifer let me come back to work just doing 8 hour shifts until after the holidays. It wasn’t as hard as I thought to take care of the babies. I think I just love what I do so much, and I found so far that I do have the ability to separate thoughts of you from touching and holding the babies at work. The hard part about working again has been talking so much about you, and although I do love to talk about you as I said before, a lot of the people that mommy works with don’t know exactly what happened and they ask mommy questions about you. I tell them your story, and it seems to bring back my feelings and emotions all over again. I showed them your pictures, and they cried for me. It is sad for them to know someone who has suffered such a loss, especially working with sick babies every day. I know that they hurt for me and for my family, but I tell them that I am doing well so that they can feel better. I tell them that even though I have been changed forever because of this, I am making it through stronger than ever.

As of this past Thursday, December 13 it has been 5 weeks since we had you and lost you. I still sometimes forget that this is our story; I think - this can’t be my life; this has to be someone else’s life; I still can’t believe that this has happened to us. I’m sure that with time those confusing moments will pass. I’m sure that one day these wounds that sometimes still feel so fresh will heal.

This Wednesday, December 19 was your due date. We are going to go to dinner that night with your grandma and grandpa Theres, your Uncle Bill, Aunt Genia, and your cousin Lucas. I’m sure that we will talk about you. I always get nervous when something like this is coming up, because I don’t like to cry in front of anybody other than your daddy! I know that seeing me sad makes them sad for me, and I don’t want them to feel sad. I know that Christmas is coming as well. I think that will be a hard day for us, because you were supposed to be here then.

I picture what it would be like if you were here on Christmas. I might have been tired on Christmas morning from being up with you in the night, but I would sit by and hold you on my chest as I watched your big brother open all his gifts. Then I would get you dressed up in some sort of cute little Christmas outfit and your daddy and I would take you and Miles out to your grandma and grandpa Theres’s house to open the rest of your gifts there. I can see it all happening as if I was watching a movie! I don’t know if it helps me to think of all those things or not.

I started writing this letter 4 days ago, and I am going to keep writing you every day if I can. I hope you hear every word I type from where ever you are right now. I also hope that every single day you hear every thought I have, and feel every ounce of love I have for you. I am going to continue to write and tell you about all of the things that our family is doing, because I always want you to be a part of us. Our family will never be as complete without you here, but I know in my heart that you will be there in spirit for everything that we do together. And we will always find a moment to stop and remember that.

I have so much to thank you for. I'm sure I'll think of more and more things to thank you for as the days and months and years come and go. I hope that as time passes us by, you hear every thought I have and feel every ounce of love I feel for you. Thank you for showing me the only thing that is truly important in life - to give love and to be loved. Thank you for showing me how to love Miles and your daddy, and all of our friends and family with my whole self. Thank you for giving me a new pair of eyes so that I can see your big brother Miles for what he really is; not just as a great kid and the love of my life, but as a truly precious gift. Each day I have with him and your daddy on this earth is a true blessing and a miracle. Thank you for bringing me even closer to your daddy. You have blessed our marriage and made it so much stronger than ever before. Thank you for teaching me not to take anything for granted. And although it is a hard lesson to learn, and I am still learning it, I thank you for teaching me that there are no guarantees in this life. Having this kind of enlightenment makes me truly appreciate each and every (even the littlest) day to day pleasures. To think that you are so little and so innocent and that you didn't even get a chance to live one second of time on this earth, yet you taught me all of these things - this is truly amazing to me. You are my little angel, my little inspiration, my little guiding light in life and you will be all of those things forever. You are and always will be a remarkable, inspiring, and unforgettable little man. I love you so much. I can't say that enough. I love you, I love you, I love you.

Love always,

Mommy